Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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