When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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