So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
