i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I would fuck him just for his dog
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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