I heard we made out
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
