Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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