my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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