if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
