I wish I could teleport
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
