So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
