Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
high people should be assigned attendants
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
