I'm lost and stupid without you.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
