I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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