ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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