Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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