He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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