and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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