I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
