would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
