I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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