I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
