I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i think my mom watched the whole time
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize