Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
