I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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