the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize