I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
