so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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