How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
