Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
