I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize