I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
