There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
