I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
