I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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