She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Success! We fucked roommates!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
