Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
