Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
