my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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