with your own penis?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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