i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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