i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
