I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
