Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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