i think my mom watched the whole time
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
