I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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