he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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