She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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