I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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