I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
