just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
