I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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