I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
