You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
