I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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