Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
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