I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
