have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
