why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
